Friday, 12 May 2023

 I'm shaking, and my hands tremble,

With fear

My thoughts assemble-

How will I ever get there?

Will I even belong?

I desperately seek an escape route

Tired of this pursuit

But then I remember-

Promises were made, 

Blood sweat and tears, I'm afraid

What is this journey when will it end?

Will I work my way up?

When will I stop this game of pretend?

I tell myself it's okay to feel,

But this weakness in my knees,

it’s forcing me to kneel.

I wonder how am I ever going to heal? 

I suppress my emotions and run in this race

For I have to show my face

To the world, to everyone who expects

Here's to forever living in this complex

While waiting for the race to end,

 I continue to pretend

 I smile and I laugh 

but my tears too,

they need a vent.

I write today after an eternity

Hoping to find my identity.


Monday, 6 July 2020

(not today)


Sometimes when you’re living but you’re not really hopeful or expectant or that you just don’t want to continue to breathe. Sometimes you are just living. Sometimes you do things that may indicate (falsely) that it was expected of you to live one more day or the rest of your apparently busy and bright life. But unfortunately that is just a misconception. I fear that misconception. I fear leaving one thing or the other for the next day and I do not know if anybody is ever thankful for this procrastination, but I think that some people will be, after reading this because this procrastination prevents one from killing oneself and lets one live with all what one feels for one more day or the rest of one’s life. Living is challenging and so is dying. But the most challenging thing is to swing. The most challenging thing is to choose. For living you already are, you are breathing and eating and smiling and living, but what is it like to be dead? To be or not to be is the question. It’s hard to seek the answer, for this question is not just one. It is a series of questions that lead you into a tunnel from bright to dark, from light to night, it has doors and you have to choose which one to get into but you don’t know the path they lead to, you can only know by walking through it. There may be a way back but one might not be able to find it if one has gone too far.The brain is a huge space. Follow the light while you still can, for darkness will eat you up and you will end up in a drab place.

Saturday, 27 June 2020

beautiful however


don’t want to be 
close to you
don’t want to see
what you see
don’t want to stay
in this place,
full of uncertainty 
just want to go away
far, far away
into the blue sea
where the winds blow
wherever I want them to be
where I want to go
wherever the waves take me
knowing it’ll be
beautiful however.

Thursday, 21 May 2020

scarred mind
crooked thoughts
dying inside
patience rots

say it all
speak out loud
hush stop
don’t burst your cloud

pour your heart
in this lullaby
sing me to sleep
while you sit back and cry

and hurt and bleed
I’ll wake up the morrow 
beaming with ecstasy
while you still die in sorrow

no hope for tomorrow
no will for today
pleading with Him to
send you away.

Wednesday, 4 March 2020

I do not know.

-excerpt from a letter that I'll never send


I do not know why am I writing this when I can say anything directly to your face, when I can share how I truly feel without any hesitation, when I can share my pain or what's inside my brain without even thinking about it, or can I?
 I do not know.

Sunday, 15 December 2019

ice cold world


eerie cold outside 
barren and wide
spicules of ice
first may entice
then make bleed
'til you plead 
cry in despair
chilly biting air
dear vagabond
don't go beyond 
it's an everlasting feud
cruel and shrewd 
springs never bloom
warmth has no room
stay in here
vagabond dear
beyond is hell
dead numbing well
it'll either make you weep
or lose sleep
it'll either make you regret
or never wake up instead.

Monday, 3 June 2019

amorphous white clouds rise up in my head
made by the little things that I leave unsaid
light as cotton they float and stroll
heavy as emotions cold as my soul
trapped in a cage I can't feel
will you hold me close until I heal?
will you hold onto me and never let me go?
will you take my hand and kiss me slow?
will you embrace the beauty of the rain?
will you stay by my side when I'm in pain?
will you make all our dreams come true?
will you have faith in me like you have faith in you?

Thursday, 18 April 2019

something more 


The melody of your footsteps 
while you walk into my heart
Slowly, steadily then so fast
The song my heart sings 
when it finds you approaching 
It's sweet but the beats
deadly and dangerous 
As hot as fire
a burning desire 
As cold as a broken heart
which has been torn apart
Escalating emotions 
deeper than the oceans
You hold me tight
We dance through the night
What's between us is inexpressible 
It's not love
It's something more
It's the pain and the cure
Your soul and my soul wed
entangled with this enchanting thread.





Monday, 8 April 2019

night shift
moves swift  
fists clenched
mind drenched
in darkness
and fear
trembling steps
so still so warm
silence before the storm
lightening strikes 
as those hungry eyes
pounce on her 
she screams she cries
louder than thunder 
but in vain
so much pain so much pain
heart aches
faith dies
should've seen her shining eyes
should've seen the dream they saw
before you raped her and ate them raw

Saturday, 16 March 2019


I sit in the bus and I see
A future without me
I sit in the bus and I feel
My cuts and wounds heal
I sit in the bus and I find
An ailing old lady with eager eyes
Staring at me for quite a while
Keen on sitting in my seat
I look at her in denial 
I can't let her take my place
I'm not ready to switch my phase
I sit in the bus and I don't know
Where it is going next
But I know where it is going to go.