(not today)

Sometimes when you’re living but you’re not really hopeful or expectant or that you just don’t want to continue to breathe. Sometimes you are just living. Sometimes you do things that may indicate (falsely) that it was expected of you to live one more day or the rest of your apparently busy and bright life. But unfortunately that is just a misconception. I fear that misconception. I fear leaving one thing or the other for the next day and I do not know if anybody is ever thankful for this procrastination, but I think that some people will be, after reading this because this procrastination prevents one from killing oneself and lets one live with all what one feels for one more day or the rest of one’s life. Living is challenging and so is dying. But the most challenging thing is to swing. The most challenging thing is to choose. For living you already are, you are breathing and eating and smiling and living, but what is it like to be dead? To be or not to be is the question. It’s hard to seek the answer, for this question is not just one. It is a series of questions that lead you into a tunnel from bright to dark, from light to night, it has doors and you have to choose which one to get into but you don’t know the path they lead to, you can only know by walking through it. There may be a way back but one might not be able to find it if one has gone too far.The brain is a huge space. Follow the light while you still can, for darkness will eat you up and you will end up in a drab place.

beautiful however

don’t want to be 

close to you

don’t want to see

what you see

don’t want to stay
in this place,
full of uncertainty 

just want to go away

far, far away

into the blue sea

where the winds blow

wherever I want them to be

where I want to go

wherever the waves take me

knowing it’ll be

beautiful however.

scarred mind
crooked thoughts
dying inside
patience rots

say it all
speak out loud
hush stop
don’t burst your cloud

pour your heart
in this lullaby
sing me to sleep
while you sit back and cry

and hurt and bleed
I’ll wake up the morrow 
beaming with ecstasy
while you still die in sorrow

no hope for tomorrow
no will for today
pleading with Him to
send you away.

I do not know.

-excerpt from a letter that I'll never send

I do not know why am I writing this when I can say anything directly to your face, when I can share how I truly feel without any hesitation, when I can share my pain or what's inside my brain without even thinking about it, or can I?
 I do not know.